The greatest support that I have ever received in the area of Forgiveness has been through Archangel Zadkiel. His loving energy helped me in a time when I didn’t know where to turn, or what to do to get out of the pain and the patterns. Gratefully, Zadkiel helped me to forgive myself so that I could begin to love myself enough to truly do the work needed to release the pain.
Here’s more info on Archangel Zadkiel:
Pronounced ZAHD-key-el, it means “Righteousness of God.” Zadkiel is the Archangel of forgiveness, mercy, and benevolence.
Helps with: Forgiveness of self and others, emotional healing, compassion, freedom, finding lost objects, and memory.
Color Vibration: Violet
Invocation: I invoke the energy of Archangel Zadkiel. I ask you to surround me in your light of forgiveness and mercy. Please help me soften my heart so that I may forgive myself and help support me in releasing my pain, bitterness, and negativity. Help me remove any and all obstacles that stand in the way of my connection to the deeper love I know I have within me … and so it is!
As I invoke Archangel Zadkiel, I visualize a violet flame just above my head. I imagine this flame absorbing all of the negative thoughts, feelings and emotions that hold me back from forgiving myself and others. I allow all of the lower vibrational energies to be absorbed by Zadkiel’s loving violet energy.
Personal Experience: For many years I searched, looking for answers, support, healing, and guidance. My life became a search and rescue mission of sorts, but I never found any answers in the places I was looking. I traveled the state of Arizona for information on ADHD, OCD, ODD, autism and bi-polar tendencies so I could help my oldest son Crew who had just been diagnosed at the age of 7 with them all. I visited doctors, psychologists, healers, chiropractors, past life regressionists, psychics, naturopaths, hypnotherapists, and energy healers. I tried conventional medicine, holistic therapies, biofeedback, rebirthing, cranio-sacral, massage, nutrition, allergy testing and even went as far as signing my son up for a trial study at Phoenix Children’s Hospital. I was looking for the answer, the magic pill, the miraculous tool that would help him; and instead, I finally realized that the answer for his wellness was inside of me.
Let me take you back to the beginning, the very beginning of my pregnancy with Crew. I was quite mature for an 18-year-old girl. I’d been living with my boyfriend for 6 months, been out of school since the age 15 and been working since age 9. I lived a lot of life and had many experiences, but I was NOT ready for a baby. I never ever planned to have children, so finding myself pregnant at age 18 was quite a shock. Anger, frustration, sadness, and fear ran through my entire body. “Why me?” “Why was I the one to get caught?” “What were people going to think of me?” “Would my boyfriend be able to handle it?” And my deepest fear was wondering what my parents were going to say. I hid the confirmed pregnancy test in the car. All I wanted was for it to go away. When I showed my best and only friend in California, she affirmed all the questions that had been running through my own mind. It was overwhelming and I just sat on the trunk of my car and cried. My boyfriend finally came home from work, and I broke the news to him. His first suggestion was to have an abortion. I agreed. There was no way I could have a baby.
A couple of days later, I made an appointment at a local pregnancy counseling center to confirm I was pregnant. I convinced myself the night before that the testing kit I used was flawed and that a professional medical test would give me the answer I wanted to hear. The staff was kind and courteous and eager to assist me and I felt supported for the first time since I found out. The test results came back, and I was indeed 8 weeks pregnant. Fear and panic set in and I started to talk with the staff about an abortion. They did not seem to be as receptive to my decision as I hoped and, in that moment, as I looked closer at the decor and posters, I realized I was sitting in a Christian Counseling Center. I was told to watch a little video and I did. As I watched, I saw pictures of the embryo at all different stages of development. Guilt started to settle in and by the end of the film, I KNEW I was going to have this baby. I couldn’t live with the guilt and shame of an abortion, so I chose to have a child.
I became very aware of all facets of my life once I made the decision to have this child. I stopped partying with my boyfriend. I realized I was in a situation that was unhealthy for me and my unborn baby. I felt a lot of fear throughout my body, and I spent most of my days crying about my situation or fighting with my boyfriend. He spent his days leisurely, working once in a while when he felt like it, while I worked a full-time job and paid all of the bills. Then he would go out all night long, play with his band, spend all of my money, get drunk and then come home. This was not an environment that I wanted to see my child come into; however, I was trapped in my own emotions. These emotions were often unexpressed, and my energy became toxic; so toxic in fact, that 5 months into my pregnancy, I developed toxemia and pre-eclampsia. This toxic energy was not only affecting me, but my unborn child as well. My baby was growing and developing inside of me, in the midst of the toxic energy, emotions and now physical illness. And while he was growing inside of me, I was loving myself less and less and becoming more and more depressed.
Over the next five months, I gave up control of my life. I moved back in with my parents because I needed to be taken care of, and thank God, my mom was a great caretaker. If not for her, I likely would not have made it. I was on complete bed rest due to the pre-eclampsia and needed to be monitored daily for the medications I was taking to maintain my blood pressure. I had difficulty lying on my left side day-in and day-out, but was told that if I did not, then possibly both of us would not survive.
The day finally came, and I was having my baby. I was very anxious. I went to the hospital, and they induced labor because I had already had one induction previously. During rounds of intense labor my blood pressure soared, and I began having a stroke. The last thing I can remember was the monitors all going off- the baby and I were in serious trouble. A nurse injected medication into my IV to try and stop the stroke as they rushed my bed down the hallway. I could hear them saying, as I drifted in and out of consciousness, that we might not live if I did not have this baby immediately. That was the last thing I heard before I woke up to my brand new, healthy son.
My son, Crew, was born one month after my 19th birthday. It took me some time to heal from the complications of his birth and while I was healing, I began to notice that my child did not seem to react like other children. When I tried to cuddle and embrace him, he stiffened and pulled away. He cried excessively and often held his breath until he turned blue. His energy was closed, hard and rigid. I noticed on the days I was angry and cried all day long, he did too. I was disconnected from my Spirit at this time in my life, so I brushed this awareness off. Looking back, if I had only invoked the energy of Archangel Zadkiel, my life would have been different. But I wasn’t ready, and the toxic life that I had created for myself continued. My boyfriend and I fought all the time. We lived in a small shack that he built adjacent to his mom’s garage. We had no heat or air-conditioning, no bed, and oftentimes no working toilet or shower. Even though I was working 3 part-time jobs, I had to apply for welfare so I could cover basic living expenses. Not only was it embarrassing to live this way, but it made me angry. My own self-judgment about asking for help fueled more anger as well. We were on welfare while he was drinking and smoking away what little income he brought in. This cycle went on for nearly two years before I gathered up the strength to move out and then move out-of-state.
Although I removed myself from the unhealthy environment, as my son got older, he became even more defiant and difficult. He was angry and oftentimes full of rage. He was also very sensitive and emotional, so his anger fueled mine and vice versa. I felt out-of-control and he felt out-of-control. I would hold him down in time-outs and he would bite, hit, kick, and throw things at me. Thank goodness I never spanked him, for I was afraid if I started, I would never stop. My anger was his anger and all along he was just trying to escape from what was never his. The anger, sadness and pain that lived inside of me were mirrored back every time I looked into my son’s eyes.
One weekend when Crew was 10 years old, he went to stay at my Mom’s house. I was grateful for the quiet moments I had to myself and looked forward to this time of renewal. I received a phone call from her, and she was upset, frightened, and concerned that Crew might hurt her or one of us when he was angry. She was convinced that one day he was going to end up in jail if I did not do something. When I heard those words, 10 years of emotions came pouring out. I started defending myself and Crew and assured her that I was doing everything I could possibly do, and had been for years, but nothing had worked. As I listened, tears fell from my eyes as the pain of her words went straight to my heart. I told her I would never let that happen to my son and I never wanted to hear the word “prison” again. I couldn’t take it any longer. I had to figure something else out and I was going to leave no stone unturned. I would do whatever I needed to do … and finally I did.
Something inside of me “woke up” and I asked for help for the first time- from the Universe, my Spirit Guides, and my Angels. I asked for guidance, and a sign or message, which would tell me what to do. I prayed, cried, screamed, yelled, and finally let go. I realized that I had been trying to fix my life all on my own and had forgotten about my Spiritual support team. As I sat with that awareness, I was shocked because I had called on my Angels in so many other areas of my life. Why did I forget to ask for help in my greatest challenge? I didn’t ask because I didn’t feel I deserved it. I had created this terrible situation, this difficult and challenging child; therefore, I didn’t deserve help, period!
So, I began with forgiveness, and I invoked the powerful energy of Archangel Zadkiel. I asked him to guide and support me in finding forgiveness for myself so I could heal from within.
As soon as I spoke those words, I felt immediate relief in my heart and over time I noticed subtle changes in my son’s behavior. Archangel Zadkiel helped me find compassion for myself and my situation. Archangel Zadkiel gave me strength and courage to break down the walls and begin to love myself. Little by little, I got better, and I realized that as much as I tried to fight it, my son came here to be my teacher. As soon as I started forgiving myself and loving myself through the guilt, pain and anger, my son stopped being my mirror. The energy shifted and we both moved forward in harmony instead of resistance.
Oftentimes, it is our children that are our greatest teachers. It isn’t always easy to recognize this when you are in the middle of an experience. I was the Mom, and yet being a parent didn’t automatically make me a teacher. I took responsibility for my creation. I allowed it and I accepted the situation. However, my baby boy did not have that choice. I was carrying a lot of shame and guilt over the choices that I made, but throughout the process of forgiving myself and my actions, I felt Archangel Zadkiel’s supportive energy. I moved through layers of healing. Forgiving myself, at times, felt nearly impossible. It was a lot of work. Forgiveness isn’t easy. I had to come to peace with all the doctors, medication, therapists, and denial. My son went through hell … to heal me. Some days I felt grateful, other days, sad. When I found myself slipping back, I reconnected with the violet ray of Archangel Zadkiel. I imagined the violet energy swirling around in my heart space and I asked him to soften my heart so I could forgive the pain and sadness I had created in my life and in my son’s life. I asked him to show me the bigger picture, the value, and the purpose in this entire experience. The healthier I became … so did my son. Crew continues to be my greatest teacher, but now we both learn through love. For in my process of forgiveness, I found an unconditional love for myself.
Value of the experience: Only by forgiving and healing yourself will you find the energy shift between yourself and others. True forgiveness transforms you when you find the value in each experience.
Excerpt from Invoking the Archangels – a Nine-Step Process to Heal Your Body, Mind, and Soul by Sunny Dawn Johnston