I gained a pound and ….

Have you ever had this experience?
You wake up, ready for a great day. You have lots of to do’s and some fun plans with friends… and are ready to get going….. You are all set for your day, but there’s
JUST
ONE
THING
YOU
MUST
DO
FIRST
You HAVE to get on the scale… You don’t WANT to, You certainly don’t NEED to, but….
YOU HAVE TO!!!
So, you take your shoes off, all of your clothes off and jewelry. You go to the bathroom, get as much out as possible (so the weight is the lowest possible) and then you head to the scale.. the dreaded scale. you look at the number, and you are
UP
ONE
POUND!!!!!!!!!!
And it is the end of the world… Now, you know for sure it is going to be a bad day. The scale just told you. And in a few precious moments, your to do list and your friends are pushed to the side as you berate and degrade yourself for “gaining” a pound or two”. You have scale self sabotage.
Can you relate?
This was my life…. for about 15 years I struggled with weight, body shaming, body acceptance, self worth, self esteem.. You name it. I’ve actually been on both sides of this struggle… the fat side and the skinny side… and neither side was easier. The thing that is interesting is that when I weighed over 170+I knew for sure that when I lost weight, I would never feel that way again. That the scale would have no power over me because life would be GREAT. I wouldn’t feel BAD about my body if i just weighed under 140. I was convinced of that. When I was 110 pounds, I just wanted to feel ok in my own skin…. An experience I wasn’t familiar with.

This picture is taken at the age of 15 with my best friend, Shelly. Shelly was on the dance team, a cute, bubbly, thin, popular girl. By this time, spring of 1986, I had quit school, was working full time, was depressed and had thoughts of not wanting to be in my body. This pictures tells a lot… of how I wanted to be seen  (as a happy go lucky girl). It isn’t a very flattering picture of either of us really, the shirts… I picked out to cover up my fat. They made Shelly look big too.. but I was ok with that. It made me feel a little better about myself since she didn’t look AS thin as she really was. I chose this picture though, because it is one of only a handful of pictures i even have of me as a teen. I refused to take them. I felt disgusting and was embarrassed of my body.. If you know me now, you know that I LOVE pictures… as a way of sharing memories…  joy and happiness.. a big change from so long ago. But back then….
I HATED my body..
Actually I hated myself too. I felt that if i could just lose weight, just be “normal”, fit in more…. that people would like me, that I would be happy… finally.
This particular day, we were going to Shelly’s Sadie Hawkins High School dance (the only one I ever went to because i was never invited). Although I had a smile on my face, I was hiding. I was hiding that fact that I had starved myself all week, in an effort to “look better and be accepted”. I was hiding that fact that I was so uncomfortable in my own skin that I wanted to go home and hide in my room. I remember this day as if it were yesterday… and the feelings of worthlessness that ran through my mind as I went to the scale to check my weight/see if I was “worthy”. I gained a pound. How could that be? I literally had starved myself. I got dressed and became more and more obsessed with my feelings of inadequacy and comparison.. I literally was obsessed.. most of my life with these feelings until I healed my own self esteem issues.
IT WAS A LONG JOURNEY
Fast forward 10 years… 1996

I have a great husband, an active life.. a busy son.. but I am always sick. I had a parasite that I couldn’t seem to get rid of. I had lots 30 pounds in two weeks…and never gained it back.  I’d also lost three babies and am the thinnest I have even been in my life… 108 pounds. By my previous standards, i should be the happiest.. because I am the thinnest… but that was not the case.
I had earned 4 trips on a Caribbean cruise – all expenses paid and a beautiful balcony suite -a huge room by cruise standards. I was the top supervisor with a party plan company, House of Lloyd. The trouble was, I struggled with feeling worthy of the FREE trips… and the luxury of staying in one of the best rooms on the ship….All of the attention too.. being the youngest and most successful supervisor brought up feelings of inadequacy and judgment. I felt as if i needed to PROVE I was good enough to everyone else somehow. I was doing pretty well, or so I thought,  taking it all in and really trying to allow myself to enjoy the moment. It was a special time for me… and for my husband. We had a great week of vacationing ahead of us. Everything was ok… until I noticed

that with this FABULOUS room… came a scale. My greatest self sabotage tool. I had decided I would not step on it the entire trip. I did NOT want to feel bad about myself and I “KNEW” how it would turn out. I put it in the bottom drawer.. so as not to be tempted…. it haunted me, i really wanted to just see “how I was doing” but I wouldn’t let myself… I held out for a while… distracting myself by going to dinner. This picture is before dinner and although I look happy, and I was in a lot of ways… the thoughts of what I couldn’t or shouldn’t eat overshadowed everything. I remember eating very little, not wanting it to “show”. I felt pretty good.. proud of myself for not eating too much
BUT…
After dinner… with the “undeserving of good” feelings rolling around in my head and heart… I gave in. I gave in to that self shaming, berating, mean voice that always spoke louder than my kind and supportive voice…
and it won.
I got on the scale.
and I weighed two pounds more than the day we had left our house… I could literally feel myself shrink inside. Although I “knew” I was ONLY 110 pounds, and at 5’7 (almost) that was underweight… it didn’t matter.
I still felt like that fat teenager that wanted to hide.
I still heard that berating critical voice in my head telling me I wasn’t good enough, that I didn’t deserve good in my life, that I wasn’t deserving of self love or positive attention.
As I looked in the mirror I still saw the tree trunk legs that my dad would “poke fun” about.
All I did was step on the scale and everything, in one swoop changed. That night i got extremely sick.. Puking my guts out, diarrhea.. for three days until I was so dehydrated i had to go to the infirmary and get a shot to stop the vomiting and diarrhea. At that time, I called it sea sickness.. Now I know better. Now I know that I was rejecting all of the good in my life, literally pushing/puking it away because I didn’t feel deserving of it. I literally made myself sick… unknowingly. It was my way, unconsciously of sabotaging myself and getting what I really deserved.. nothing good. I was in my beautiful cabin, for three days of our 7 day vacation, isolated, sick, and stuck.
Stuck because for me, I gave my power away… to the scale…. a little device that measures if you are “good enough” today or not, that was what the scale had become in my world. I had based my life on what the “scale” said I was or wasn’t. I made decisions based on what it said, almost daily. If the scale showed me down a pound or two,  then i would go out. If  it was up a pound or two, then i would stay home, hide, starve myself. It was torture…  I tortured myself…
Fast Forward 10 more years 2016
So, why am i sharing this with you.. first of all, to let you know that if you relate to any of this story… I get it. I KNOW how you feel and what I want you to know is.. you can release that feeling. It isn’t about the weight… it never will be. It is about the energy/emotion within. It is possible to heal. It is possible to take your power back from the scale, the critical voices, the old patterns. IT IS POSSIBLE!!!!!!!! I am living, breathing, happy, loving, healthy proof.

I won’t tell you it is easy. It wasn’t. It took a lot of time, energy and dedication to ME. It took me sitting with the old stories and rewriting the messages, recreating the voices and reminding myself of my own innate value. I AM NOT THIS BODY. I love this body now, but I am NOT this body. I am spirit within this body. We are a team…. and I am forever grateful for all of the experiences that brought me to today.. THIS exact moment..
Today, I love and embrace my body. It has been a sacred amazing vessel for my journey. It isn’t perfect, but man… for what I have put it through.. it sure is perfect for me:) It’s still carrying me through this life… in a beautiful way. I am beyond grateful and as i began to have gratitude for my body, my body responded. In this picture, i ate a full buffet meal, had a couple of cocktails and enjoyed every minute of it.. No scale, no thoughts of what I couldn’t/shouldn’t have.. Absolute freedom.. My body and I have become friends.. we are on the same team… and man when you get on the same team as your body… when you get that Body, Mind, Spirit Connection.. it is powerful:)
Most importantly what I have learned is that…. everything that happens to the body is an effect of the mind and the emotions…. so.. when you get those into a healthy vibration, the body shifts too. Take care of yor body my friend. Treat it as your best friend..It will be 🙂 – SDJ♥
PS: Do you identify with the above story? Have been struggling to find harmony with your body or have you been searching for the answers as to why you just can’t seem to let go of the extra weight you have been carrying or the illnesses that keep popping up? Are you tired of all the body shaming, yo-yo diets and unhealthy behaviors that keep you stuck in the negative cycle? If so, then check out my next ONLINE class. It may just be what you are looking for! I know how you feel…. See below for details:)
https://sunnydawnjohnston.com/clone/calendar/embracing-body-zoom-room-class/
I’d Love to hear your feedback below.. if you relate to this story or have learned and grown through something similar, I’d love to hear it. Please share in the comments below:) – SDJ♥