A mothers heart – An open letter to my first born son!

This little girl had no idea what her life would look like. Who would she become? Would she make a difference in the world? Would she be able to learn unconditional love? What challenges would be on her journey? This little girl, at this tender age, was living for the moment. Joyful, happy, engaging and open. Yes this little girl was full of life and everything it had to offer. Little did she know that in a few short years… she would meet the love of her life, the greatest gift she ever received, and her greatest teacher, all at the same time.

Fast forward about 15 years, and April 26, 1990, almost 27 years ago, this little girl meets this little boy. This will be the boy to change this little girls life. This little boy, has now become the teacher. Truth be told, he began teaching almost instantaneously. This little boy, named Crew Dylan began teaching while in the womb. Most kids do I think. If we are really listening. He began to teach me then, that all of the emotions I was having, all of the fear I was carrying in my body was unhealthy, that it needed to come out, but I didn’t understand, I wasn’t listening. I was too wrapped up in it all. I was 18 years old, pregnant, scared to death… and fighting for my life and the life of my unborn son. It’s an interesting thing…  the very thing i was scared to death to do, be a mother, was the exact thing my body was fighting against  (enter emotions in manifestation here) and the very thing I began to fight for through complete bed rest, lots of medication, and daily checkups with doctors for months. The gift in all of that was that this little guy was born healthy. The next three weeks I fought for my life, although being given a death sentence, I eventually won. I left the hospital three weeks later to meet my son, this precious gift I had yet to spend any time with because of my illness. That is where this little girls story ends. She is now a mom!

A mom to one Crew Dylan. The name took quite a bit of time to decide on… but when i did finally decide on it… you grew right into it. Almost too well!!! We always joked that you were like having a “crew” of kids.. except that it wasn’t a joke. I am so grateful for all you  have taught me, and I am grateful that although I was a slow learner, I was willing to  learn. As I was looking back over the last 27 years and the few pictures I have because you didn’t like your picture taken, and you still don’t, I felt waves of emotion.

When looking at this picture now, It brings a smile to my face. What’s not so funny was that I also remember my anger and frustration at that time, as you wouldn’t stay in your chair and kept climbing on the couch with it attached to your bum. When you set your mind to something you did it, whether I or anyone else wanted you to or thought it was ok. That was how you were from the moment you took your first breath. You were committed to whatever it was YOU decided to do… for the long haul (remember 4 hours with your nose in the corner.. that type of long haul). We just thought you were stubborn and defiant, and many times you were, but what I see now is someone that is extremely committed to your wants and desires. You have taught me commitment. I had to be committed to you, and to learning from you! I thank you for that. It has made me a better  more committed person myself.

Being a single mom was hard… and even more than hard, it was scary. The day your real dad and I met, 2/4/1993 was a day I had prayed for. I was always afraid I would end up raising you alone.. and I was scared to death that I wouldn’t know what to do or how to do it. I didn’t feel like I was capable of being everything you needed. I felt we needed a strong and loving man to be a part of our family, to teach you the “boy” things and to support me in my moments of doubt and fear. When your Dad walked into our lives I knew we had manifested this man into our lives.. and that “we” would be ok. Looking back, you were always goign to be ok, it was me that needed the assurance… and thankfully I had it. I could breathe a sigh of relief. We were now a “real” family – whatever that means.

Now the funny thing is, you were his teacher too. You had to teach him many different things too… and boy was that a process of learning.. for us all. I am not sure he was consciously  prepared for the power of “CREW” but his spirit knew, and he learned too. One thing he learned was that he could never take his eyes off of you. This picture is one example… not from your dad’s experience, but from mine. You wanted another apple and I said no. So, you helped yourself  to a little bit of 10 different pieces of fruit… the after affects of that were many diaper changes…  This picture makes me smile too.. But, I wasn’t smiling then.. All I could do is add up the expense in my head. I was too focused on lack and not joy. Through many of these kind of experiences, you taught us both presence. You demanded presence, and we were not great students initially. Thank you for your patience as it is one of the most important lessons for me in my life. To be present. I have you to thank for that insight and I am a much more present person because of YOU!

You always marched to your own beat. you didn’t do things like the rest of the kids. I have some of that in me too.. a lot actually. The difference is, you were ok with it. I was not. I spent a lot of time in my life hiding, trying to be normal. By the time you rolled around, i redirected that energy to trying to make you “normal” – again, whatever that is! You weren’t normal, you still aren’t… and THANK YOU UNIVERSE for that. You were wiser than I was, your spirit knew… and it taught me. It is OK to go a different way, it is ok to walk a different path, it’s just ok.. period. You taught me acceptance.. at first I thought it was that I needed to learn to accept you, but the truth is, i really hadn’t learned to accept myself yet.. not totally. I still had guilt and shame I was carrying, and projecting on to you. Thank you for helping me to see that. I am an accepting being now, because you taught me to be… of myself.. that was the key. Thank you and I love you for that.

When it was time to go to high school we were faced with some major decisions. I knew you were a smart kid, and I also knew that the typical high school environment was not conducive to your learning style. We made the decision to put you in an alternative school.

There were many times during those couple of years that you resented the fact that you were missing out on some of the high school activities. It would break my heart because I could understand that, i quit school at 15 and never did any of it either.. BUT, i also knew, I just knew, that if we didn’t take you out of public school that we would lose you. I didn’t know how or why, but I knew. You have taught me to listen to my intuition, not my head. My head is the one that would react, usually out of frustration or fear… my heart, my spirit, my intuition would always respond out of love. You taught me, that even when those decisions are hard, and you may not like it, that if i listen to my heart, my guidance, it will always work out. You were key to me developing my intuitive abilities, because my head was so worn out from our almost daily battle of wills  that I would just shut down..  and shut out my connection to spirit. I needed a different way, and when i followed my intuition, it never let me.. or you… down. Thank you for this gift because without it, I wouldn’t do what I do. I have been blessed to help  thousands upon thousands of people because of you and your willingness to teach me… about myself.

March 17, 2010 was a scary day. When I looked at your dad after the phone rang, I knew and started walking to the car before he even said a word. When we got to the hospital, I sat in fear of what might be, but with a sense of peace too. I remember asking for help and prayers as soon as I could get to a phone, something that hadn’t always come naturally to me, but something  I had learned to do. I asked for help.. and I could feel it. When they discovered your neck was broken, I was scared again, and yet, had another chance, to embrace the support and love of others. I also had the opportunity to spend some time with you as I took care of you for the next 2 weeks. Bathing you… a 225 pound man, washing your hair, cleaning your wounds.. it was a new experience for us both. We had a lot of good talks, and some tears as well. You taught me strength and perseverance as you were determined to go back to work the next day. You couldn’t, but that determination gave me strength. It was hard to see my baby in pain. However, I’ll never forget what you said. I thought this was so wise for a 19 year old. You said, I am grateful for that car accident and all that happened. It taught me so much and I wouldn’t take it back. It hasn’t been an easy road for you and yet, you are grateful. Such a proud mom moment.

When you moved out at 18 years old, I had the opportunity to learn one of the greatest lessons of my life… Letting go. As a momma, it can be a hard thing, I was torn.

I wanted you to fly,

to live your life,

to feel freedom…

And I was afraid. Had i given you enough tools? Were you equipped to live on your own? Listen to your guidance? Make good decisions? Follow your heart? Had I done all I could do? I felt like I had in my heart, but in my head…not so much. I think as parents in general, we can be hard on ourselves. We want the best for our kids, but we don’t always know how to provide that. We do the best we can, with what we have, at the time… or do we?

As you moved out, and began your own life, in your own house that you purchased at 18 years old, I knew the answer. I just needed to trust. I needed to trust your spirit. There was no other option that would feel good. I could be afraid of life for you.. or I could trust that your soul would guide you perfectly. Thank you for teaching me to trust. It hasn’t always been easy for me, but it has been soooo necessary. You haven’t always made the best choices.. but you have learned. That’s what life is all about!

So, this is a minute synopsis off all I have learned from you. I hope that in my learning I have been able to teach you a few things as well. What I know for sure today Crew Dylan Johnston is:

I am SO proud of the man you have become. We began on a very rocky road and you have flourished. Your tenacity has impressed me always, even when it drove me crazy. I see that in you now in the way you approach life and it works.

You are wise beyond your years

Ambitious is an understatement

You are a passionate leader in the community

You are driven like no other

You are open to learning

You know what you want

Your success is well earned

Your heart is bigger than even you know

You wit is impressive

You are a gifted musician

You are stronger than anyone really knows

You are an amazing dad

You are a kind and gentle fiance

Your humor is …. welll… hmmmmm 🙂 🙂 Just kidding 🙂

And so many more, but I am running out of time:) Just know you are loved beyond imagination!

One of the things that we all want for our children is for them to love and be loved. You deserve the best in life…and LOVE is what life is all about. I am so happy that you have found the loves of your life in Kallie, Elena and Lilynn. I say loves, because you got 3, all at once. You fell in love with them all, in a matter of days.. and your desire to be the best (soon-to-be) husband and dad is probably the thing i am the most proud of. You have followed in your dad’s footsteps (not an easy feat.) It is a remarkable thing to absolutely love someone unconditionally. To take on the responsibility of a partner is one thing, but two children is an added bonus. You have done it with grace and ease and joy. I am soooooo grateful you have brought these three beautiful souls into our world… and made me a GRANDMA. There is nothing better in this world than to see you happy!!!

Here’s to 27 years of life! I am beyond blessed to call you my son, my teacher and my friend – I LOVE you!!!! – Mom